Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Mixed emotions

Today I am 29 weeks. That means I am officially in the single digits for my maximum amount of weeks left until I meet these babies. 9 weeks max. Wow. It seems so far away, yet so close. Tomorrow is August which means they the next month after that. I am really excited, but I am starting to get really nervous and anxious all over again.

We have another busy month planned, but luckily it's nothing too strenuous. Well, Macey wants to go to the Zoo for her birthday and that's the 25th of August, so it's hard to say how I will be doing then. We might have to go on a day that's not her birthday. But other than that I really just need to make through this weekend's camping trip. I think we will be sleeping in a trailer this time, so that will be huge on how well I do with it all. We have swimming lessons and art classes and my appointments will start to be very frequent now. I will be starting to see my doctor every 2 weeks if not every week and I will start having regular ultrasounds in 2 weeks. So, it's busy.

I keep telling myself it's good to be busy, but that just makes time fly by. And to be honest, I am nervous about two babies. Not just how crazy it will be, but I am nervous of them coming early and NICU. I really don't want to be dealing with that. I know we will get through it if we had to, but it's definitely not ideal. I am worried about bonding afterwards. I bonded differently with Macey after she was born. It wasn't instant because I was so nervous and worked up going into labor. I had such a bad experience the first time that I was traumatized more than I knew I was. Then when I had issues after having her, it really affected me. I did bond with her eventually, but it was different and I wasn't expecting that so I thought I was doing something wrong, or I was a bad mom or something. I realize now it's all normal and things are good, but it makes me nervous this time around. It really wasn't a very fun experience and even though I am more prepared going in to this delivery and know more, it still doesn't mean that I will bond instantly and be perfectly okay with not bonding the way I would like.

I am also nervous about breastfeeding. Not about doing it, but I'm worried that it will be hard to do if they are born early and I don't want it to be harder than it has to. I am determined enough and stubborn enough to push through, but both the girls were such amazing nursers and I had absolutely no trouble whatsoever, that I would like it to continue that way!

I know these worries or concerns are minor and my life will go on which ever things play out, but I still think about them. It still isn't completely real that all of this is happening. Especially since I don't feel too much different or look too different of how I have been with just one baby in there.

Just a quick update on me. I have gained about 30-32 lbs so far. I am just over 40 inches around the biggest part of my belly and no new stretch marks yet. My pubic bone hurts pretty bad still and laying in bed makes it worse, but I have learned how to manage it better and keep it at bay. I am starting to get tired pretty easy again and just cleaning the kitchen last night made me break out in a sweat. But I do feel really good over all. As good as a pregnant person can feel I suppose! I am ravenous all the time, but there is not much room to eat. These babies are growing up into my diaphragm right now instead of out, so it makes it hard to eat and breath. And sit for a long time. Their kicks hurt a lot, so thankfully they are more of the roller/stretcher kind of babies. Although stretching hurts pretty bad too. Their movements are pretty incredible sometimes. It really is the weirdest sensation to have two in there. Sometimes one moves around and wakes the other up and they both are going at it. That's when I need to make sure I don't have to pee, because one feels like it sitting right on my bladder and it takes a lot of abuse from him. The other one likes my ribs. It kind of feels like the last few weeks of pregnancy with one in there, but different still because there are 4 feet, 4 knees, 4 hands and 4 elbows, 2 heads and 2 bums. So the pressure is the same, but the activity level is different. I know one day I will forget exactly what it feels like, so I try to enjoy it and relish in the magic of it all.

It is not lost on me how blessed we have been lately. These babies truly are sent to us for a reason and I feel very loved and blessed by my Heavenly Father.  I don't know why we have been so blessed when others that I know haven't been, but I am grateful for this amazing opportunity. I know I am far from perfect and far from being the best mom in the world, but this opportunity has made me reflect on things and try to be a better mom and wife. Honestly though, the pregnancy hormones make it difficult some days, but I am at least conscious of it a bit more.

So the countdown is on and soon enough these boys will be here! I pray they aren't too early and are strong and healthy! Can't wait to see what they look like :)

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