I am going to apologize right off the bat for my whining and complaining. The last week has been pretty tough. This next week is going to be worse. I am mentally and physically exhausted and I find it hard to be happy. Well, pleasant. I find myself wondering why I said this or that, or why I got mad at something so stupid.
I am grateful that I am still pregnant as much as I am hating it right now. I am still doing good, but I have around 11 lbs of baby in this belly. It is painful and each day it seems to get worse. My back and hips have held up though, so that is good! At least when these babies do come, it won't be one big baby!
Right now my huge struggle is that Jar is about to leave in 2 hrs until next Wednesday. A whole week! He will be exactly 1000 kms away. If I go into labor while he is gone, he will be flown back early, but might not make it in time. As much as that would suck and I would feel bad for him, I am mostly worried about getting to the hospital. My mom will be here for the weekend, so that will be good, but I'm not looking forward to the drive into Lethbridge. I am not allowed to go to the hospital in Pincher, just in case you are wondering. They will just ship me to lethbridge, and the time wasted in getting checked in and getting the ambulance, is time that I could probably be in the city already. I am only supposed to go to pincher if I think that the babies are coming right now.
So, yeah. I am not looking forward to the next week. Plus, every night just seems to get worse and worse. I have broken out in a rash and I am extremely itchy all over. My doctor said I need to keep an eye on it and he'll run some tests if it doesn't get better. Something to do with my gall bladder apparently. I'm not worried about it, but the itchiness is so bad I can't sleep. I know it's almost over and I will forget how I am feeling soon, but it is really hard when you are in the middle of it.
I feel bad for complaining, because life really is good. I have been extremely blessed this pregnancy. Doubly! I look around at other peoples' trials and I wouldn't want to trade. But it sometimes doesn't help when I am huge and uncomfortable and hurting and tired and emotional and......well, you get the picture. And this rant is for me. I just need to clear my head and this seems like a great way to do it.
While I am ranting I might as well get it all out there......I am so very tired of people telling me how hard this is going to be and how much help I am going to need and I won't be able to do it by myself. You have no idea how often I get told this. If I had a different personality I might just let it slide, but I am super stubborn and when someone tells me I can't do something, especially when it can be done maybe just not by the person I am talking to, I will give it my all to prove them wrong. For example. Nursing twins. Apparently to many people, it is impossible, and crazy, and hard. Yes, it's going to be hard, but it's going to be a lot easier to nurse them than to bottle feed them. Cheaper too. No bottles to make, clean, make sure I have with me at all times. Who cares it means someone can help me feed them at some point in time. I live in the boonies and my husband is gone half the time. That leaves me. Yup, makes total sense. Another one that drives me nuts is how people wonder how I'm going to get Mackie to school. Really? Do I look incompetent? The time it takes for me to drive her to school and get home is less than 2 minutes. Literally. Even if they are crying and I have to leave, it's for less than 2 minutes that they will just have to wait. And that's only every other week I have to worry about it. Daddy takes her to school when he's home.
I really wish I wasn't so emotional and hormonal right now. This wouldn't bug me so much if I wasn't. In a few weeks it will be something of the past and it won't matter. It doesn't really matter now, but I have a low tolerance for other peoples opinions on how I need to do things. Okay, I have one more. I got told that I can't drive myself to the hospital if I go into labor when Jar is gone. I know that it is not conventional to drive yourself to the hospital, especially when said hospital is over an hour away, but it might be something that I have to do. Also, I am not waiting around the house until it's almost time that the babies are going to be coming out. Once I think I am going into labor I am outta here! Even if it's a false alarm, I don't care, I want that epidural! That is the one thing though I haven't really set up. I should probably look into finding someone. I am good for the weekend, it's just the Monday-Wednesday that I'm worried about. Well, and from now until my mom is here, but I'm not too concerned about that for some reason.
I think I am done now with my rant session. On to some more happier thoughts. I am 35 weeks and 1 day and I am still pregnant! Over a week ago the were both over 5 lbs and Baby A is probably close to 6 and the other is probably over 5.5 lbs by now. I am so happy that they are big! I know they could still run into other problems if they came now, but at least I won't have to worry so much about their weight. The weight helps regulate their temperature, which is something that is hard for preemies to do on their own. So that's a big bonus! There is a chance they wouldn't need any NICU now, but there is still a chance that they would. So, I really do want them to stay in there longer. It's just a mind game now for me. It's not a fun one either. So close to being done! It's driving me nuts.....:)
Oh, and this is not a plea for help. Trust me. I am tired of people asking me what they can do. I really don't know right now!I really am grateful that there are people willing to help, but I am a crazy, stubborn pregnant lady and I'd rather be on my own right now. I know when I need help, and I will know who to ask if I need it. I am annoyingly super self reliant. Just ask my husband. Also, I am extremely grateful to those that have already helped me. Whether it's been watching my kids when I have an appointment, or cleaning the church for me, or throwing a shower, or coming to my shower, or offering to help, or extra clothes, or just listening to my craziness. It has not gone unnoticed.
I think that's all for tonight. My head is starting to hurt. Too much emotions for the day. Please don't judge my craziness right now! I do apologize once again, but hey, I didn't force you to read this! :)
6 months ago